A Couple on the Street
by TheSecretCity
Summary: Based on a sonnet by Garrison Keller, about Rossi and Garcia, the oddest couple in the BAU  If CBS let them pair off, duh . Will be multi-chapter.
1. A Scandalous Pair

A Scandalous Pair

The only reason the whole BAU didn't know was because she had all the gossips sewn up tight in their own nets. And David Rossi was exceedingly grateful for that, because for once he was allowed to romance a woman privately.

Not that she was just any woman. Heaven forbid he classify her with his other wives and various indiscretions over the years. First off, she would kill him. And not quickly. She'd empty his bank accounts, then ruin his credit. He'd lose rights to his books. The pound would take the dog and the bank would take the house. All of these things would become hers. Then she'd call his mother, and together they would do the deed of killing him, with the strong-armed assistance of Hotch and Morgan to do the wet work and disposal.

No, Penelope Garcia failed to be just any woman.

When she'd come in the conference room his first day back, taken one look at the screen, and covered her eyes yelping. "Is it gone? Is it gone?" he'd fallen head over teakettle. She was a bird of paradise flower in a garden of lilies and black-eyed Susans. The sheer color around her was incredible.

He was no sloucher. As soon as they were back he marched to her lair, knocked, and when she opened the door he had asked "Will you go to dinner with me?" without even a hello.

She had slammed it in his face. He continued to talk through the door.

"If I promise the behave? Please?"

"Go away, Agent I-Have-A-Reputation-That-Lasted-Past-My-Retirement-And-Into-The-Digital-Age."

"Are you calling me old?"

"No, I'm calling you a dinosaur. That's past old, and into fossilized."

"No fair. I can't fight when I can't see your face."

"I thought you wanted to take me to dinner, not fight."

"I do, but you called me a fossil and slammed the door in my face. How about just a dinner to get to know each other? Like friends?"

"I know about all your lady friends, Rossi."

"I know that."

"Then why are you still on the other side of the door?"

"Because I'm a profiler. I profile that I have changed some through three divorces. I profile that you aren't like any woman I've ever gone out with before. And I'd like to stop confessing my overwhelming attraction to a smart, curvy, downright beautiful woman through her office door and do it to her face, if it meets with her approval."

She opened the door and looked him over, hard.

"People will talk, Agent Rossi."

"I'm used to it."

"I'm not."

"Then we be discreet."

Garcia snorted.

"I can be discreet," Rossi defended himself.

"I'm sure you can, but I know people. I can blackmail them into keeping their mouths tightly shut if they see anything."

"So, can I take you out to dinner?"

"Once," she held out a finger, straight at his nose. "And I reserve the right to, A, dump you, B, kick your ass, or C, both, if I feel you're being any kind of jerk to me."

"Agreed."

"Good. Pick me up tomorrow night at seven, at my apartment."

"Where's that?"

"I'll text you directions."

"Text?" he said the word delicately.

Garcia chortled in the back of her throat. "Baby, if you want to ride with me, you need to keep up with the twenty-first century. Tech lessons at lunch every day until you're up to speed. See you at noon in the break room. I'll have you texting before one. Now go away, I have much work to do, and you are intruding on the works of a goddess. Begone!"

Apparently, they were some kind of scandal, a young women going out with a much older man, but she kept the gossips all in line. And he could now receive texts. Sending them was another issue altogether.

Author's Note: This was going to be a Gideon/Elle piece when I originally thought of it, but Garcia/Rossi just seemed better. It's based on a poem by Garrison Keller, 'A Couple on the Street', from his book _77 Love Sonnets._


	2. Not Quite Hand in Hand

Not Quite Hand in Hand

Rossi had been raised by a woman who believed in opening doors for ladies, and pulling out chairs, and saying please and thank you. He liked to believe he was raised right.

So when Garcia slapped his hand discreetly as they walked down the street, he jumped.

"What?" he asked.

"We are in public," she hissed.

He looked around. It was Washington DC, at eight o'clock at night. They had just come out from a movie that she had wanted to see, something he wasn't sure he would enjoy but wound up liking.

"Okay," he said slowly.

"You don't just hold hands in public, Dave."

"I do."

She sighed. "Utterly hopeless."

"Penelope, I'm confused," he stopped so she would, and look at him.

She looked him square in the eye. "Why are you confused?"

He spread his hands. "How many times have we been out? Four, as far as I know, not counting lunches dedicated to making me join the twenty-first century. I like you a lot. And it's not like I'm trying to cop a feel."

"People will see."

"Yes."

"Do you have no shame?"

"None. Especially since Morgan wouldn't get off his ass to ask you out. I like to think I've got more guts then him, even if I am a fossil."

She grinned, lips crimson. "Well, you get points for initiative."

"Have I accrued enough to hold your hand?"

She blushed to the glitter in her hair and held out a bejeweled hand. He took it in one hand and with the other pulled out a long narrow box. With a slight of hand that would make Reid proud, he extracted the bracelet and snapped it over her wrist.

Her jaw dropped.

"Happy one-month anniversary, Penny."

She punched his arm with her free hand. "Dave, I know my knockoffs. This isn't a knockoff. This is friggin' Tiffany's."

"It is." It was a sapphire bracelet interspaced with diamonds. He'd spent three hours in that store looking over everything they had before settling on that bracelet. The salespeople _loved_ him.

"You bought me a Tiffany bracelet."

"I did."

He was grinning like a loon. She leaned a little closer. "Dave, honey, I just realized that you deserve some parts of your reputation."

"Which parts?"

"Oh, the wining-and-dining-and-romancing-like-a-romance-movie-star parts."

"Well, I'm glad that the good parts of my reputation endure."

She laughed at him. "Let's ride."

"And how is Esther, by the way?"

"My baby is bright red and brilliant. What do you call your truck?"

"I don't name my vehicles."

She swatted at him. "Well, you can send text messages. Illegible ones, but I'll teach you yet."

"Exactly how far do you plan on corrupting me with technology and all that gunk?"

She leaned her head onto his shoulder, and looked him right into the eyes. "As far as you'll let me, Dave."

He kissed her.

Author's Note: I know, I don't update as often as I should and have done. I've gone BACK TO SCHOOL. I'm a high school dropout, so instead of going through the GED test-tests scare the hell out of me-I've signed up for online high school courses. And I'm so busy failing Geometry like a pro that I haven't been writing as much as I should to stay sane. Oh, and watching FRINGE for the first time. That has been another time suck. Ciao!


	3. Tall Young Woman

Tall Young Woman

Penelope had kept a lid on the gossips with her iron technological fist, but there were still rumors. Of the gold-digging variety.

There were enough to make her seriously upset.

Upset enough that even Rossi found out.

He had gone to visit her in her lair and instead of finding her deep in digging out Strauss's darkest secrets, found her strangely silent.

"Penny?" he sat down beside her and put the vase of flowers he'd gotten for her-birds-of-paradise and lilies, wouldn't last all that long but colorful as hell.

She blinked at him behind her glasses, which reflected her screens. "Dave, do you think I'm pretty?"

"No, I think you're flat out gorgeous."

She nodded, fingered a flower. "And you know I don't want your money."

"Of course I do. Mainly because you could hack my bank without ever getting close to me."

His jokes weren't working.

"Why, Penny? Do I need to go beat someone up?"

That got a very tiny grin. "No, honey, I already ruined credit for the foreseeable future and found a few ex-spouses. And one brother."

"Ouch."

"Yeah."

They were quiet a minute.

"Well," Dave began, hands on his thighs and a glint in his eyes. "I can surmise that I'm old and blind and you'll rake me over the coals for my money, correct?"

She nodded.

"Well, I have very good eyesight. Almost fifty and never wore glasses. Well, except for that one year of middle school, anyway. So I'm not blind and not _too_ old. Which leaves your looks in question. So let me tell you, every man I've ever met-including Hotch-has been intimidated by your good looks."

She snorted.

"It's true," he persisted. "Morgan was the only one with guts enough to say hello, and that's because he's a professional flirt. The man should be a male escort. Or a Chippendale dancer."

That made her burst out laughing, draining away all the remaining tension in the room. "I could see that."

"Oh God. I've created a monster."

"Dave, those flowers are beautiful.'

"And tonight I'll carry them to Esther for you."

She gave him her most playful look. "And can I set them up on your dining room table?"

"Miss Garcia, are you propositioning me?" his hand went over his heart in feigned shock.

"Of course, Mister Rossi. And what be your answer?"

He pretended to think it over. "Well, I suppose my reputation can take the battering."

"Battering? I do nothing but enhance your lowly reputation with my mere presence."

"Indeed, and may my Lady forgive me for the rude remark."

"Forgiven," she tapped the air by his shoulder.

When they had begun to go out, Rossi had been surprised to find they shared interest in medieval times and warfare, which sometimes crept into their private conversations. Admittedly, Garcia spent a ton of time on those game sites-role-playing or something-or-other-but they read the same books on the subject. She'd teased him about co-authoring a book with him.

Secretly, he looked forward to it.

"I will attend you later, my Lady."

"My Lord," she agreed. "I must away to the cyber world to round up evil minions of Evil."

He closed the door behind himself.

And went in search of the idiots who had decided to upset Penelope. Bad credit? Exes?

Now they would have Rossi, too.


	4. Dazed Old Man

Dazed Old Man

Rossi's first stop was at the office of Katherine Pompeo. She was Human Resources for the BAU, and the biggest gossip. She'd also slept with Rossi for a year in their younger days, and her cousin was ex-wife number two. Rossi had started going out with Katherine after he and her cousin divorced.

She was also a cobra and a gossip, and more then a little mad she hadn't been Mrs. Rossi Number 3.

He knocked and let himself in. "Hello Katie."

"Call you back," she put down the phone and picked up her best seductive smile.

Katherine had been a model in college-blonde, thin, perky. At just over fifty, she was dyed blonde, wiry, and held in place by sheer willpower. Her three kids were in college, and she had lost spouse number four awhile ago.

"To what do I owe the pleasure, Dave?"

He sat, comfortable and grinning. "Oh, I heard a little rumor."

"Really?"

He nodded smoothly. "A sweet little bird told me this rumor, mind."

"I'm _dying_ to know."

He sat himself down in one of her leather chairs, taking the time to arrange his jacket, get nice and relaxed, one foot swung over his knee.

"The sweet little bird told me I was a blind old fool for seeing Penelope Garcia."

He was friendly. Very kind. As if the bird had a point.

"Well," Katherine smiled. "People have been talking, Dave. You know she's out to rake you over the coals? Girl spends all her money on computers and shoes. And she has some debt, too. It's getting worse."

It was getting worse because they had gone to the local Renaissance Faire and had spent money on their costumes. Penny had insisted on paying for her own and put it on her card.

"I hadn't checked her credit out," Rossi encouraged.

"You should have. You know I only have your best interests at heart? Penelope Garcia is bad news. And she was with Derek Morgan before you. There's even a rumor that she was the cause of Aaron Hotchner's divorce."

Only because she had always stayed late and so did Hotch. And Katherine had probably started that rumor, too.

"Wow. Thanks for telling me all this," he began, winding up for his pitch, the favorite part of the interrogation. "I had no idea you were such a bitch."

Her smile froze.

"I mean, I knew you were vindictive as hell. I experienced that firsthand, thanks. But you just jumped Penelope Garcia, who didn't do anything to you, just because she was going out with me," Rossi shook his head. "Man, I hope you didn't need your credit cards for anything."

"My cards?"

Rossi stood up, bounced really. "You pissed Penelope off. By the way," he added over his shoulder. "Tell your brother I said hi."

He left her there, palely contemplating her brother finally getting a hold of her address so he could ask her for money. Again.

On the way back to his office, he stopped for coffee. Hotch was there too, looking as pristine as a GQ model on the shoot.

"Dave."

"Aaron."

"Done asserting your dominance over lower life forms?"

"I'm pretty sure Katherine isn't even human."

"I said life forms."

"I know. Reid's corrupted you."

"Almost seven years of daily contact will do that."

"As long as you don't spout statistics."

"Not for another few years yet."

Rossi poured his coffee. "Yeah, I'm done."

"You know Garcia handled it."

"I'm an Italian male. I have to at least pretend that I handled it. Otherwise my manhood would shrivel away."

"Too much information, Dave."

"TMI."

"That's what I said."

"Yeah, but I would've understood you if you'd said TMI, too."

Hotch raised an eyebrow. "I'm going back to work. When you finally finish your report, I need it."

"Got it."


	5. Old Ladies Like Wounded Birds

Old Ladies Like Wounded Birds

But it wasn't over yet, apparently. That night, with Rossi carrying the flowers down to Garcia's vintage red car, he saw Erin Strauss.

She and Katherine were good friends. And Rossi wasn't so stupid as to not notice that Strauss, divorced and roughly his age, looked at him like most other women-as if he were a hunk of prime steak.

Strauss's lips were compressed from a deep-sea dive and she looked daggers at Garcia.

Rossi used his free hand to wave. "Good night, Erin."

Her lips disappeared as she pressed them even tighter. She turned away sharply and her heels clicked on the concrete.

Garcia wheeled on him. "What?"

"What?"

"That's what I asked you."

Rossi shrugged. "Damage control."

"I took care of that!" she hissed.

Rossi immediately backed up a good two feet. "Sorry, Penny. Really. It just made me crazy to have people insulting you."

"And you."

"I'm used to it. I get a large variety of hate mail at least twice a week. A lot of it from people I know personally."

"I wonder why."

Rossi cocked his head. "Are we having a fight?"

"Yes."

"Is the phrase 'I'm sorry' going to help me?"

"Not a chance. You can't just wander in and take over someone's life, Dave."

"It wasn't a takeover!"

He was trying not to yell, but his voice was raising anyway.

"What do you call it, then? I didn't need help for God's sake. I had it all handled. You just had to go all alpha male and piss on everyone."

"I did not _piss on everyone_, as you put it."

"How do you put it, mister Legendary?"

"Asserting the fact that no one is to go around saying those things about you!"

"What? Like I'm a thing or something?" she stomped one foot, the leopard print heel making a cracking noise. "Dammit Dave, I am a person whose taken care of herself for a good ten years. Rather well, I might add. I don't need someone to mother hen me and act like I couldn't tie my shoes!"

Now they were yelling, cameras and gossip be damned.

"I have never acted like you don't know how to take care of yourself."

"What do you call yelling at Katherine? Or what just happened with Strauss?"

"I'm not going to have that stuff said about you!"

She reached up and took the vase of flowers. She pitched it with two hands onto the concrete at their feet. The glass cascaded in a shower of shards and the water dampened their ankles. The flowers themselves had gone limp.

Garcia's voice was quiet. "I am not like any woman you were ever with, David Rossi. I am not some bimbo like your last wife. I am a person who can take care of herself. Obviously, you can't handle a confidant woman. So you can't handle me at all."

"Penny-" his stomach had spiraled as she spoke.

"Good night, Dave. Don't bother calling, I'm changing the numbers," she looked at the hothouse flowers between them. Nudged one with her shoe.

"I hope you get your act together for the next girl."

It was her parting shot. She got into Esther. Started the engine.

Left Rossi standing there, with a puddle of flowers at his feet, thinking one thing only.

_Dave, you complete fucking asshole_.


	6. This Ludicrous Romance

This Ludicrous Romance

Penelope went home to her apartment.

She really liked how she had decorated her home, all bright and fuzzy like a toy shop, a candy shop, and a clothes shop combined. Her new lampshades had feather trim and leopard fabric.

The flowers would've looked good on her kitchen table.

Instead of obsessing, she decided to cut herself a slice of cake. There was always a cake in Penelope's fridge, usually chocolate and frequently double or triple layered. This one was German chocolate with raspberry filling in the middle layer. She got herself a huge slice and settled down in front of her computer.

First she pulled up her blog. JJ and Emily both read her blog, and would leave comments under their guestbook names.

JJ had written _All the colors of the rainbow_ and signed it 'Doubles'. it was time stamped when Rossi had brought the flowers to her.

_Noise is never good_ before the name SpyderLady13. Emily must have heard part of the argument.

Penelope brought up the page to type and started in between bites.

_Not my best day, since I broke up with my guy, _she began, and then the argument was pouring out of her. _He doesn't understand that all us girls usually have is each other and ourselves and we know better then to depend on men who will probably hike off as soon as a better piece of tail comes along. And I hate being told I'm a gold digger. Better off without that aggravation!_

She posted and went for more cake. So what if she had been on a diet? No diet was worth it if you couldn't have cake after a breakup.

Her phone rang. She looked at caller ID and let it go to the answering machine.

"Penny, it's Dave. Pick up."

She looked through hr movies. The Lord of the Rings should keep her occupied from thinking about smashed flower vases.

Midway to Rivendell, her phone rang again.

"Penny, please pick up. Even to cuss me out."

He called again, just before the Council of Elrond was due to begin. That time she answered.

"Go to hell, Rossi."

"I thought you were-"

She hung up on him. And pulled the plug on the phone, and turned off her cell.

No one bothered her until the whole Fellowship was in the Golden Wood. This was at the door.

"Damn it, Rossi, I will kill you, you selfish-"

She flung the door open to JJ and Emily. Emily held out a bag full of ice cream and candy. JJ held a set of rental DVDs.

Penelope felt her face crumble, and let them in.

JJ hugged her while Emily got spoons and they all settled on the couch.

"Am I being stupid?" Penelope asked once she stopped wanting to cry totally.

"For wanting respect?" Emily asked, handing her moose tracks and a spoon. "Hell no!"

"I threw the flowers."

JJ nodded. "You threw Rossi. And then Morgan punched him after you left, and Hotch had to break that up. Then he found out what happened and punched Rossi. So he looks like meatloaf right now. Rossi, not Hotch."

"Hotch would never look like lunchmeat," Penelope decided to nods.

The ice cream was good. Better then the cake had been. Maybe it was the company.

"Any ideas about Rossi?" JJ asked.

"Yeah," she snorted. "Let Hotch and Morgan finish with him."

That did get laughs.

"But I'm taking suggestions," she added.

Emily licked her spoon. "He did a screwy thing, we all agree on that. Maybe you should give him probation? Like he better behave because the next time he's out for good?"

JJ nodded. "He understands you won't tolerate him in your business after you've taken care of it. But maybe one more shot?"

"Then kick his ass to Tulsa," Emily added.

"Venezuela," JJ added.

"Pakistan."

"Outer Mongolia."

"Outer space."

"The Kepler Belt."

"Past Pluto."

"Into the Andromeda Galaxy," JJ concluded to howls of laughter.

Penelope held up her hands. "Okay, let me make one phone call."

The other end of the line rang. Dave picked up. "Penny-"

"Shut up and listen. That was your freebie fuckup. You decide that my life needs your special touches again and I will destroy you electronically. You think Katherine has problems, you have no idea what yours will be. Now don't talk to me because I'm still mad at you."

And she hung up. Emily and JJ cracked up, and then they settled in to watch JJ's DVDs, a truly funny collection of the year's best funny films.


	7. Eyes Seek Hers

Eyes Seek Hers

The next day at work, Rossi very cautiously made his way to the kitchenette in the bullpen. He could see Penny with Prentiss and JJ, setting up her sandwich lunch neatly on the table.

He had come for a cup of coffee, technically. Really he'd come to see if she was still mad. Even though his black eye throbbed, and so did the bruise on his cheek. Morgan and Hotch were by no means lightweights.

Hotch gave him a dirty look as she went down the stairs from offices to the bullpen.

He was careful not to make eye contact with anyone as he went to the coffeepot and poured another cup. Even Penny. Especially Penny.

"Dave."

He had his back to her, pouring the coffee. 'Penny," he rumbled.

"Have you eaten lunch?"

"I'm on a liquid diet until the swelling goes down," he turned to face her, showing the bruises from the previous day.

She made a face. "Come sit here, sweetie," she patted the seat next to her.

He wasn't going to screw this up. He sat.

She took his coffee and gave him her orange juice. "That's healthier."

"Thank you." And it did taste better then more coffee.

She shook her head. "Too many alphas males on one team."

Prentiss had the good grace to be looking through her one of her files when she snorted.

Penny took out her cell phone and set it on the table. "Change the ringtone," she told him, going back to her sandwich.

He set the orange juice down and picked up the phone. He'd done this once before. Carefully pressing tiny buttons, he went through menus until he came to the one he needed.

He saw the ringer for 'Dave'-a tone from 'The Godfather' soundtrack.

With the most minute grin, he changed it to one of the songs in her library. Now he would be heralded by 'Another One Bites the Dust'.

Backing out to the regular phone, he set it down on the table and slid it to her.

She scrolled through and saw the change. And smiled.

For the first time since throwing the flowers she looked at him, with that evil sparkle in her eyes that made men fall flat at her feet. He felt his breath catch.

"Dave, honey, you need some ice on that."

"I had ice last night. And Scotch."

She laughed, patted his thigh. "I have a feeling it was applied in an incorrect manner," she teased.

"Probably," he deadpanned. "I applied it internally."

"You are hopeless."

"Agreed."

Rossi could see Morgan out the corner of his eye, giving him the evil eye with all its voodoo implications.

Penny leaned over, and he had the urge to find a cold shower, seeing how her posture accented her ample curves. And then she kissed him in full view of God and everybody.

It was shock, not lack of experience, which delayed him. Then he kissed her back properly.

"O-kay," Prentiss got up in a hurry. "Y'all need a room. PG, take him to your office for this."

"She can't be PG now," JJ added as she gathered everything she'd brought to the table. "More like NC-17. Or R."

"Or 'Get a Room!'" was Morgan's advice as they broke it up, breathless.

Rossi paid no attention to them. Ribbing was just another form of acceptance, anyway.

"Miss Garcia, may I invite you over for dinner?" he asked.

"You may, but _will_ you is the question."

"I shall."

"Then I accept. But no deer meat!"

"What's wrong with deer meat?"

"Have you never seen Bambi?"

"Bambi was a deer drawn at Walt Disney studios."

"I hear 'deer'. I think Bambi. That's just how it is."

"Okay. Next time I feel the urge to hunt deer-"

"Dave I swear to God-"

"I will go shot bunnies instead."

She launched herself at him and they were laughing and mock fighting and she was still making breathless death threats if he harmed any animal, especially nice furry ones that never did anything to him, when Hotch came over.

"If you two are finished, I have to drag Rossi to a conference now."

"Aaron, have some compassion. I'm about to be murdered by a very smart and beautiful woman. That's my lifelong dream, and you want me to abandon it for a conference?"

Hotch didn't smile. He never did when he joked. "Yes, Dave. Strauss wants to cover sexual harassment again."

"Dammit!" but they were all laughing again, and even Hotch ventured a small, minute smile and a clap on Rossi's shoulder. For the moment, all was well again.


	8. Elbows Brush Defiant

Elbows Brush Defiant

Of course, Strauss couldn't keep her nose out of it. She had her nose in _everything _and insisted on keeping it there.

And she had her eye on David Rossi and Penelope Garcia. Par for the course, she did not approve. And so she intended to work her way from the bottom up.

At least that was Garcia's summation when Erin Strauss invited herself into the bunker, wearing pale Chanel and a scowl.

"Are you aware of the fraternization policy, Miss Garcia?"

Garcia had been given the heads-up by Hotch that Strauss was on the warpath. She straightened her glasses in a bid for time, and also to make it look unimportant. One of Morgan's suggested tricks.

"The policy states that you cannot have romantic relationships with someone in your own division." Another thing was to only answer each of Strauss's questions as she asked them and not justify herself.

"Do you follow this policy, Miss Garcia?"

"I do not fraternize with anyone in the Technical Analysis division, ma'am."

"And on the BAU team to which you are assigned?"

"Oh, but that isn't covered in the policy, ma'am," Garcia corrected gently. "The policy only covers when you have the same supervisor."

"You are on special assignment under Agent Hotchner," she announced triumphantly.

"Actually, it's only a temporary assignment on my file, ma'am. Technically my supervisor is Agent Pendleton, and Agent Hotchner is my temp boss. It's just a long-running assignment."

"About to become permanent?" was the sarcastic question.

"No ma'am. Agent Pendleton and Hotch have an agreement as noted on my file, that while I worked under Agent Pendleton, Agent Hotchner has exclusive rights to my time. Even without that, I'm only support staff and can't be a member of the BAU without the training, so I'm not a member of the team and not subject to the policy which you were quoting, ma'am."

Strauss gave hr an evil look. "I see."

The major concession any lawyer could make was 'I see' which allowed for the entire 'You were right and I was wrong, bitch' line of thinking.

"Can I help you with anything else, ma'am?"

Strauss's nostrils flared. "Good afternoon, Miss Garcia."

"Ms. Strauss."

Garcia waited twenty minutes before calling Dave on the interoffice.

"She just walked to the elevator," Dave confirmed. "Five-oh-one on the dot."

Garcia let loose a huge cackle and hung up, bee lining for the bullpen.

Even JJ was there, and Reid hopping from foot to foot.

"Did you get her?" Reid demanded. "Did you tell her off?"

"No more coffee for you," Garcia decreed. "Yes, it was all handled. Thanks, Hotch."

Hotch acknowledged his participation in preparing her for Strauss with a nod. "No problem."

Dave snuck up behind her and proceeded to kiss her neck. "You'd be a great lawyer."

"Part of being a hacker is finding all the loopholes," she agreed placidly. "Maybe Hotch and I could team up to make sure the nasty people went to jail forever and ever."

"That is the most terrifying thing I have ever heard."

"I agree," said Morgan from his desk. "You two are scarier then all the unsubs we've had rolled up into one."

"Most of whom," Hotch added. "In fact all but possibly two back in oh-three, we couldn't have caught without Garcia in the first place. You forgot that."

"I did not."

"You did."

"Man, I know you're my boss, but you need to shut up now."

"Morgan, unless you want to do paperwork for the whole team for the next-"

"Boys!" Garcia interrupted. "Don't we have a case?"

JJ held up files. "Oh yeah."

Hotch nodded. "Alright. War room."


	9. Avid

Avid

She didn't like any of them being out there where bad guys and unsubs and idiot California drivers and random lightening bolts and God knew what else, maybe aliens from another universe or crazed drug addicts or killer penguins, could get them. Even though that was the job they all did.

But Dave, like Morgan, had one itty bitty annoying tendency, and that was to run headlong and bulldogged into whatever madness was brewing with nothing but a handgun and a flak vest. It made her beyond crazy, sitting snug in her bunker chewing her nails-on which she spent much time and money-while they stormed the castle.

Like now.

The team was at a takedown right then, chasing an unsub with whatever sick problem he had. And Dave was in the thick of it, no doubt, and forgetting simple things like 'ducking' and 'avoiding random bullets' and 'don't let Morgan drive if you want your spleen in the same place when you reach your destination'.

He said he'd call when they were done. He promised.

He hadn't called yet. Maybe something was wrong. Maybe someone was hurt. Maybe he was talking someone into going to the hospital, like Hotch. Maybe he was trying to hold back someone else, because someone was loosing so much blood, and they had to get to the hospital and that one person-maybe Morgan-wouldn't let the paramedics do their job and someone else-poor Reid, or Emily, or hell even Hotch-was there in some smelly unsub-type place, and-

She jumped when the phone rang and picked it up before it had finished.

"My loves?" she asked, breathless.

"I thought I was your only love. Now you're cheating on me with the whole team?"

It was Dave, warm and rough.

"God, you sound like caramel," she told him. "Is everyone okay?"

"Yes, my dear. Except for Reid's ankle. He tried to kick in a door."

"I thought only Derek kicked in doors?"

"You call him Derek? Now I know you're cheating on me. And with a younger man, too. I may as well just go and kill myself."

"You are just melodramatic. And what took you so long to call? I've been worried about you, you great lump of green government-issue cheese curds."

"So you do love me!" "David Andrew Rossi, so help me God I will reach through this phone and strangle you!-"

"And I called you not ten minutes after all the shooting stopped, missy. My gun isn't even cooled off yet. I'm watching smoke curl off the barrel as we speak."

"It felt like hours since you called to say you were going in."

"Twenty-six minutes since I said we were after bad guy ass. Exactly."

"I have to dye my hair again because of all the grey."

"There is no grey in your hair."

"Ah-ah-ah, you are not here with me so you don't know what color my hair has turned in your absence. So there."

"Sweetie, I promise you are as lovely as I left you when I went to get this sonofabitch. And I need to stop now because Reid is making gag faces."

"Is he okay?" she went into mother hen mode, sitting up ramrod straight.

"Yeah, but I guess I'm being way too lovey-dovey for the great analytical mind of Doctor Spencer Reid."

"I can fix that."

"How?"

"Talk dirty to me," she used her sultriest voice.

Dave laughed. "I think he really might throw up if I started talking about kissing you on your-"

"Okay, I was just kidding."

"You should see the look I'm getting now."

"From Reid?"

"No, from Hotch."

"He'd probably jealous because I won't talk dirty to him."

"You talk dirty with Hotch? Ouch, shit-Aaron!"

There was scuffling and grunting and general male thumping before Dave came back on the line.

"Sorry, honey, I was just nearly killed by Hotch and had to have Morgan help me escape certain death and dismemberment."

"I'm sure he was excellent help. Dave?"

"Yes, cara mia?"

"Get some sleep and come home soon."

"Go home and get some sleep."

"I just said that."

"Different order."

"And if I go home to your place?"

She said it to be saucy. His answer was so low she had to strain to hear it.

"Then I will come home a very happy man."

She shivered and told him good night and asked to speak to the others.

When she left the BAU, she drove to Rossi's house. In his bedroom, which had several of her stuffed animals and a lot of her clothes, she snuggled under the covers and went to sleep, her purple bear in one hand, and one of Rossi's used dress shirts in the other.


	10. Music From Mozart

Music From Mozart

Garcia was pattering around Dave's kitchen, while he was still asleep. The jet had come in at the wee hour of four am. He'd come home, and snuggled in next to her, and promptly passed out.

She had never wandered unsupervised through his cupboards, but she had added to them-her favorite candies, and she noticed he had a selection of pears in the fridge. She loved pears.

The phone rang, and she reached for it so it wouldn't wake him up. "Rossi residence."

"Excuse me?"

It was a woman.

"Rossi residence," Garcia repeated. "Can I help you?"

"I was looking for Davie," the woman, said, puzzled. "Who are you?"

"Dave's girlfriend," she said. If he had been seeing someone else…

"I'm Davie's mother."

Garcia almost laughed with relief. "Penelope Garcia, ma'am. I'm pleased to meet you."

"Don't 'ma'am' me, young lady," the woman also laughed. "Call me Carolyn. Where is Davie?"

"Crashed out asleep," she reported.

"That bad boy. He knows it's my birthday."

"Oh God," Garcia shook her head, hair bouncing. "He didn't say a word to me!"

"Probably because he thinks I died over the weekend."

"Carolyn!"

Dave's mother cracked up. "I love doing that to people. It's not my birthday, either, just a trick I play."

"No offense, but good. I nearly had a heart attack." "So," and she could hear Carolyn Rossi getting comfortable in some plush armchair. "You're the mysterious young lady he's been talking about."

"Before we go any further, I wasn't responsible for whatever destruction he ascribed to me. It was him."

"I know, dear. Even when he was two and blamed his brother Joey for the frying pan incident, I knew. But he only says good, glowing things about you."

"Probably on Mondays. I always fix up his computer on Mondays. He brings me a box of chocolate-covered doughnuts and I keep him up-to-date on current technology. A struggle not unlike pulling back molars with a pair of pliers, I might add."

Babbling. She was babbling to Dave's mother like they were both in high school, and Carolyn was the principal.

"Don't I know it!" Carolyn empathized. "When cell phones became the thing, Joey bought me one. When I asked Davie for his cell phone number, he blinked and wanted to know who I, his mother, had mistaken him for."

"I am pleased to announce that he can now send roughly legible text messages."

"That's it. Wake up my son's sorry ass and get him on the line. I want you as my daughter-in-law. Better, I'll disown him and adopt you in his place. I always wanted a daughter. Instead I had ungrateful boys who forget to call their mothers."

"Carolyn, I can say I would absolutely love to be adopted by you. Mainly because you're pure evil genius and can assist me in my quest for world domination, but also because you're a truly awesome person."

Garcia heard shuffling and groaning, and then Dave-even more unkempt then usual-dragged his bearlike self across the kitchen threshold. He eyed Garcia.

"Is that my mother on the line?"

Garcia gave him her best chipper grin. "Make coffee while Carolyn and I have girl talk time, okay sweetie? And peel me a pear, too."

Dave rolled his eyes to heaven, hands outspread. "Help me, Father, because somehow I offended You so that you brought these two women together."

Garcia could hear Carolyn snicker. "Is he praying?"

"Oh yeah."

"Good. I knew the right girl would put the fear of God in him."

Garcia made herself at home in one of the kitchen chairs. "So what were you going to tell me about Dave and his youth?"

Author's Note: I don't know if Rossi actually has a brother, but in one of the season 3 episodes, can't remember which, there is a fuzzy photo on Rossi's desk of him and another guy doing some kind of bromance hug thing. They were both really dark, so I added water and made him Rossi's Instant Brother.


	11. It Should Not and It Cannot Be

It Should Not and It Cannot Be

Garcia had never been given to bouts of sickness. Not motion sickness, or hangovers, or coffee jitters. Nope, not her. She was indestructible. She was Garcia, BAU goddess of tech, and nothing mortal touched her EVER. Universal invariant. Period.

So when she was throwing up the women's restroom for the third time Tuesday morning, and JJ and Emily came to see what was wrong, Garcia was pretty sure something WAS wrong, just not what.

"Maybe you should see a doctor," Emily said, smoothing her frazzled hair.

JJ was a little more critical. "Throwing up. Dizzy spells? Smells setting you off?"

"Yes and yes."

"How long?"

"About a week, I guess."

"Bloated?"

"Kind of hard to tell because I wear dresses. Okay, yeah. Yeah."

JJ nodded. "Cravings?"

"Pears. Why-oh God. I'm not preggers, JJ, no way, we're careful." "When was the last time you-"

"Oh hell."

JJ smiled sweetly. "I have tests in my office. Ever since Will and I got together I've been off the Pill. I just keep them handy to check. Give me a minute."

JJ left with a swish of the door.

"Em?"

"Yes?"

"Is it bad to hope I'm knocked up?"

"No," Emily's hand was still on her shoulder. "I kind of hope you are, too. You'll be a cool mom."

"Maybe it's a stomach bug."

JJ swung back inside and handed her the test. "I doubt it's a bug."

Five minutes later, she was staring at a pink line. "That has to be wrong. No way. This is not cool. I have to tell Dave about this. Can these things be wrong?"

"Very rarely. I would be living proof," JJ added, smiling to herself.

"Guys! Can we focus and not go all gooey here? I have to tell Dave we're having a baby for god's sake, and we've never talked kids or anything beyond what movie we plan on watching! This is serious."

But Em was laughing and JJ was smiling. "Don't underestimate him. I was talking with Reid. He had heard Hotch talking with Rossi about Jack. Rossi said "God I wish I had kids." No lie."

"Maybe he only said that because Hotch needs everybody to back him right now and it sounded good."

"Okay," JJ clearly didn't believe a word of it. "Whose office?"

"Huh?"

"Whose office do you want to tell Rossi in-his, yours, or mine?"

"Yours," Garcia decided. " I like your office."

"I'll go get Rossi," Emily stood up.

"Emsy? Please don't give him any hints."

Emily mimed locking her lips and throwing away the key. JJ swung an arm over Garcia's shoulders and lead her to her office, overflowing with crime reports and files three feet deep.

Rossi was there two minutes later. "Penelope? Is everything okay?"

He didn't use a chair but squatted on the floor in front of her. She bit her lip and looked at JJ. JJ nodded, grinning.

"Dave, um, I don't know how you're going to take this…"

"What, sweetheart?"

"Have you thought about having kids?"

For a second his profiler brain was frozen. Then it kicked into high gear and his face lit up the tiny office.

"I have. Are we going to be thinking about kids?"

"Well, at least one kid for sure. Well, not exactly sure, I took one of those over-the-counter thingies that said I was, and I feel sick enough all the time, but I'm not sure, and I have no idea what this means for us or-"

"It means," Dave cleared his throat. "That we need a second place here in Quantico so we can get to work easier, and have access to things like schools and neighbors available to watch kids on short notice, and local supermarkets. And a dog park because I refuse to give up Mudgie just because we aren't in the country anymore. Sound good?"

Garcia twitched a grin. "I need Wi-Fi, too. Don't forget about my babies, either."

Dave kissed her.

Author's Note: Be it known that in my universe JJ never left. EVER. End of discussion.


	12. The Sweetness and the Courtesy

The Sweetness and the Courtesy

It was a lovely day, colored cerulean and green. Garcia was happily snuggled in bed, listening to the sounds from the living room.

She and Dave had found a penthouse apartment in Quantico that accepted dogs-Mudgie was sleeping on the foot of the bed every night, Garcia's side. The guys had spent a day remodeling one of the bedrooms into a nursery for their baby girl.

After several months of waiting, getting fat, working cases that left them mentally winded, and-to quote Garcia herself-defeating the Evil Pentagon Plan to Steal JJ, they had had their baby.

Cassandra Carolyn Garcia-Rossi.

And right now, Dave was out in the living room making all sorts of noises to get his daughter to gurgle, using voices and probably faces in his campaign.

Mudgie whined from Garcia's ankles.

"Come on, sweetie, give Daddy a big old grin. How about a little bitty one? Hmm? Just a hint of a grin for the old man? Come on, sweetie."

Mudgie whined again and buried her nose in the quilt over Garcia's feet.

"I agree," she told the hunting dog, who looked up at her with annoyed eyes. "He was like that when I got fat, remember?"

Dave appeared in the doorway, holding the small pink bundle, a cloth draped over his shoulder in the event of spit-up. Cassandra was apparently going for nomination in the 'most spit-up' category, and nothing was sacred, even the poor dog.

"Morning, honey."

"Mudgie has disowned you," she informed him. "She wants to be my special house pet from now on."

"Aw, Mudgie, didya have to do that to me? Who's gonna help me teach Cassie to hunt?"

"My baby is NOT going to go learn to kill Bambi and Thumper," Garcia told him firmly.

"What about fishing?"

"Fishing is even more disgusting then hunting. At least the hunting smell wears off. Fish is like, forever."

Mudgie whined and nuzzled Garcia again.

"See? Mudgie wants to give up a life in the woods with you to stay here in the lap of luxury with me."

"Outgunned by three females," Dave announced happily.

_Love leaps up from them, _

_As music sprang from Mozart_

_And they can have it all._

FINIS

Author's Note: The quote above is from 'A Couple on the Street', from 77 Love Sonnets by Garrison Keller, a truly awesome writer, but I like his poetry best. Go out and read to book-I've gotten 2 fics from his poems! Review?


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